It was a hundred yards from the Bastille, nearly at the hospital « des Quinze-Vingts ». Since I didn’t have an inexhaustible bank account, I preferred to walk along the banks of the Seine rather than take the subway.
On the way, I wondered how I was going to explain my coming. It was a little strange to go to someone you don’t know. By the way, it may be that the number is false, whether it is a joke of dubious taste, that this « Gabrielle » is not the girl of the station and that she is a perfect stranger who had not asked to be given her number to a simpleton like me. I lost myself in hypotheses and conjectures. However, I was still finishing in front of the door where the name « G. Desvignes » was indicated on the intercom button.
I was hesitating. Before I decided, I lit a cigarette. I was looking through the street. It was not a very crowded artery as bizarre as it might seem given that it was a few steps from the Place de la Bastille. It didn’t reassure me. The simple fact of imagining the head to head with this girl made me anxious.
I looked up at the building and looked for a clue that could tell me whether in the windows on the street, that of a certain Gabrielle was part of it. Perhaps she had already spotted me, hidden behind the reflection of a window or the opacity of a curtain.
I shook my head to vent that thought. I was really a kid. I had never been comfortable, if only with the idea of the fair sex, and the years passed, despite the fact that, on the appearances, some envied me my way of approaching it, nothing had arranged. I explained this by the eternal echo of my first time rather castrating with that which one is accustomed to call the « First Love ». The truth was that the chosen one had been a wounded animal, oscillating between a haughty attitude and a behaviour completely marked by an excessively strict education instilled by the most retrograde couple of teachers I had the opportunity to know. As much to say that the experience was not a great success. But all these considerations were irrelevant and of course, a simple excuse for my morbid shyness. The distortion of things meant that I was lent the image of a rather bold boy in the matter.
I was at these pseudo existential considerations when I decided. I always do things like that. In the absence of… And in fact, I didn’t have the time.
I did not have time because it appeared in the corner of the door. She changed her clothes. She was shimmering. Dressed like an Italian candy.
“Oh My stranger…” She told me in a tone that did not let me doubt that she was not surprised.
« I would have thought you would have called me first. » She went on with an amused and softened smile.
I didn’t know what to say to him. So I tried to stammer two, three words.
« In fact, I did not know too much. I’m not very good at these things… And then. I’m a little picky there… And… »
« I know. »
« You know? »
« No… » She continued by raising her shoulders and raising her eyes to heaven.
« I don’t know… But… If still… I know. »
I didn’t understand anything yet. To tell the truth, I think it was at that particular moment that I began to « see » her. That I started to fall in love, I think. There was no particular reason. It was just a sensation. Just sensations. I remember she wore some kind of naked back tee shirt… I think that is the way it is called. Pink and white arranged in layers in the manner of an Italian ice cream. Not. She was not pretty. She was not beautiful. She wasn’t cute either. She was something else, troubling. It is a little indefinable because in its image, always come add other elements halfway between the vision and the imaginary.
« And now… Why were you coming? » she said.
« I say ‘cause we cannot stay here like that. »
She left nothing. No breathing, no moment to find each other.
« Well, you told me I could call if I needed. »
She’s smiling.
« That, I know. That’s not the problem… But I don’t intend to stay on the sidewalk in front of my house for an eternity.”
She walked away a bit and then made a turn on herself as a dancer.
« Well, you’re going to put your stuff in my house. And we’re going to go out. I’m expected. Actually, I’m already late. You go with me and we rediscuss this later… You okay with that?”
I think I had no choice. Well, maybe I did. But I had already done so. My choice.
*
I am not like that ordinary. I’m more reserved. I just don’t know how to be. Finally. Not. That is not the truth. I know it is, but it’s not that simple. I cannot say that being myself is something that is unnatural to me. Simply, the transition does not exist. At time “t”, I would judge him against nature; The next moment, it will appear to me as a very harmless element. If you can make an analogy, it’s a bit like a painting could be grey and coloured. This is all paradoxical. Without an outside eye, there is no contradiction, no transition. Some will tax that mood movement. lived from the inside this hazard is not noticeable.
So all this to say that I accepted and I followed it. She lived on the top floor in what is commonly called a maid’s room. The years go by but the social order remains roughly the same. Its interior was arranged like a nursery. Walt Disney Posters on the wall and furniture with improbable colors. She had a cat half-siphoned from the brain. He held a place more than imposing in the life of his mistress, so long as he had regarded him as such at some point. I do not extend on the subject because some details might seem dubious but it was a fact that if this cat had been able to speak, then one would have understood what was at the source of his condition.
I dropped off my stuff. « Gaby » offered me a drink before we took off then we left as if it was ages that we knew each other. As if I had been with her ever since, this implied all the implied hints that may be implied in this type of report.
*
Some evenings are cloudy. We cross them, we are good and we attach little importance to what is wrong. This evening was one of them. The impression that things were normal did not leave me on the whole length. Friends and acquaintances. No one seemed inconvenienced of my presence. On the contrary, I had this lingering impression of having a place. It’s hard to explain but everyone was acting like it wasn’t the first time. Maybe it should have alerted me to something. Of course not.
It must be said that Gabrielle knew how to divert attention. Even if she didn’t do it on purpose. She was the center of all ailments and I could only follow this movement.
It was supposed to be two hours or three in the morning, maybe four, I don’t remember when we got back. Gabrielle had the cheeks rosied by the alcohol and the freshness of the night. She walked through… But she was not drunk. She was just happy. Happy of the moment. Happy night. She had a warm, sweet breath.
« I think I love you… » she told me…
She stopped laughing. And she’s become a little girl again.
« Are you staying with me tonight? »
*
I didn’t really do it that night. I enjoyed a little fast. I felt like a kid who discovered a new toy. It wasn’t that I considered it as such, but it was just the first time I found myself in a gap between my head, my feelings and my body. My body was not in the reflection of its limits, it followed my envy even the pleasure passed. My desire to wear it. I was a kid who did not understand his own manual and she, although I am sure she felt it without knowing it, did not let go of the piece. She was a child. She didn’t know her body, she was looking for her feelings. She went up and down the steps four to four. On his animal side, I answered animal. No rule, no protocol… Just us in search of our way.
*
Gabrielle was happy. I saw him at his pupils shining in the dark.
« Why do you take as many gloves as this? » She blew me.
The question surprised me a little. Not in the background, but rather in his frankness. I knew what to answer but it took me a little time to gather my ideas.
« I don’t want to force you to anything. I’m not in your head. You just have to tell me that you want to. »
Gabrielle smiled. She shook her head. She almost had tears in her eyes.
« You know it’s only going to last long, huh? There’s nothing to be deluded about, you know that? You and me, we’re not going anywhere, right? »
I have never understood that kind of statement especially in those moments. And then, even if I had enough to understand it, I think I would have done as if it was not the case. So in the momentum, I just replied:
« I know… And we’ll go nowhere, I promise. »